gina_r_snape

As some of you know, I am a regular reader of Rob Breszny's Free Will Astrology column. I find his weekly 'scopes a kind of hippie, poetic meditation. Ponderings, whether you choose to align them with the stars or simply use them as therapeutic points of contemplation.

Taurus this week reads:

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
You're very familiar with the inexhaustible longings that you harbor in your depths. Your primal hungers for love and connection are never far from your awareness. But the sad thing is that you often regard this as a problem -- as a vulnerability that disempowers you. This Valentine season I'm asking you to change all that. I'm urging you to see your enormous yearnings as strengths . . . to celebrate them as essential fuel for your vitality . . . to treat them as crucial ingredients in your lust for life. Take it from someone who has seen too many people crippled by their lack of passion: You're lucky to be so well-endowed with desire.

While I could certainly choose to relate this to my love life (and may well do so in private), I am in this entry actually relating it to my career. Because in my last entry, the biggest fear I held about applying for a Visiting position is the uncertainty related to job security. So it's curious that I chose to go back to school, to open up the potential to leave a relatively secure if unsatisfying position for the tenure track life. I have, I acknowledge, a certain degree of self-satisfaction over the fact that I am "good at school." I learn concepts quickly. Ok, I have a bit of an ego. I'm not denying it. But I find it's not the "best and the brightest" who necessarily are the most prolific. It's the hungriest. Whether in or out of academia, it's those who have something to say who produce the most. As a relatively placid Bull, I crave certain comforts and security and have become more risk-averse as I age. I am not an angry person. I'm easily amused. I make myself comfortable. But I also know that when placed in positions of risk, I sort of "come to life" to get what's needed done. I'm exceptionally good at crisis management, btw.

I was also listening to the episode of the iProcrastinate podcast entitled "Temptation and Procrastination" today on the train, returning from a meeting with the city. A researcher discussed his findings, that students (and this podcast does seem geared toward doctoral students) tend to procrastinate most through social activities. The prime mediating factor was self-confidence. If someone is truly self-confident about their abilities (and not just living with self-bravado), then there's a greater chance of turning down social outings to stay on task with school work.

I believe this is also linked to a fear of failure. In my case, there is a palpable fear of leaving the secure work environment once I've obtained my PhD. So the question is, how can I take Mr Breszny's advice and use that fear as a strength? My inexhaustible longing to NOT be incomeless, health insurance-less and jobless?

I think the key here is to partialize. Take smaller steps. And to not worry about whether I'll be stuck come May 2012 until after I know if I'll even have finished my PhD by then! But rather, it's to turn my dissatisfaction with the status quo into a hunger for more. And to know that I will move heaven and earth (as I always do) to make sure I have some sort of employment or assistance to fall back on from my family if needed.

Well it's Sunday night and for the first time in ages I can not only manage easy egress in/out and within my study, but I can see the floor, the desk top and organized piles for the first time in months. I'm not entirely certain how many bags of recyclables were thrown away (articles, old notebooks, various other paper goods), but good doesn't even begin to describe the end result. I've not yet finished, mind you, but more than a dent was made.

A small amount of furniture was also moved. An old bookshelf may find itself on the sidewalk, even.

Purging is good. If 2011 is going to live up to its promise, then the purging is just as necessary as the commingling. Not holding onto things that "might be useful in the future," or that "seem really interesting and I want to read at some point," or that hold a tenuous emotional bond to a particular moment, or a hope, or a teacher, or a memory. Yes, there was even some of that in the stacks.

My muscles are going to be very sore tomorrow, I can tell you that. drfardook was indispensable. I only hope my multiple forms and displays of gratitude were adequate to the task, and that he didn't completely freeze his backside off on his journey back to Beacon.

Which reminds me. Sesame oil, soy sauce and buckwheat soba noodles were made to commingle. Just saying. Consider it a PSA, even.

So I was chatting this evening with my friend BE and realized I've not left my house since Thursday night. That's right. THURSDAY. It's had both its positives and its negatives. Not being subjected to the cold = goooood. Spending too much time inside my own head = not as good. Two things pierced the protective padding in my mind this weekend and tried to drag me back to the ill-advised behaviors borne of the unhealthy commingling of painful pasts and selfishly unconsulted projected futures that form a kind of paradox mindset. I need to stop. I keep telling two specific friends of mine (LG and BE) to live in the moment. I need to take my own bloody advice.

And nothing soothes the soul like fandom. So tonight I rewatched the series 2 finale of Being Human and the series 3 opener. (Not gonna spoil, but feel free to say whatever in the comments). That finale remains a powerful piece of work. One part horror, one part mind-f*ck, one part eternal bonding. There's not a moment wrong in the entire episode. Series 3 opener? Not so much. The pacing was off, the themes overplayed. But there were moments. Moments that kept me interested. I am not sure how I feel about the anticipated story lines for this series. But I will stick with it. And I was amused by the cameo of Kai Owen. (Er, that's not really a spoiler, right?).

Now I've got a pile of books on my bed demanding to be stacked and a ticking clock threatening to sneak up on me and dart past midnight if I don't step away from the computer. So off I go. See you when I do.

I just finished grading my exams and submitted final grades for my class. Regarding the exam - 2 students failed the final (but one came up to me and admitted she blanked under pressure). 2 C+ grades; 1 C, the rest B or better. Out of 29, I'd say that's pretty darn good.

I'm waiting on one student who got an incomplete. Otherwise, I'M DONE FOR THE SEMESTER. No more teaching until September!

Pardon me while I celebrate with a few appropriate gifs



Tomorrow night I'll be celebrating by attending Hotsy Totsy Burlesque's Harry Potter and the Boobies of Fire. (I am even getting in for free!)

And then, finally, I will have time to finish my Boosh fic! And celebrate the holidays! And then work on my dissertation!

:flaily Kermit arms:

The thing I love the most about teaching the policy history course is the focus on the 18th and 19th centuries. I start my class with the 1601 Elizabethan Poor Laws. But I really get excited once we hit the Civil War, up to the Progressive Era, because this arch of time marks the birth of the social work profession.

Today while perusing the headlines I came across this BBC article on archives of Victorian poor in the UK and Wales. What a boon this will be for social work and other poverty historians in the UK. I wish we had something similar in the States. I've long lusted to work with the LES Tenement Museum on a project to see what help former tenants sought from local settlement houses and charity organizations much in line with this book on their eating habits.

If I were 10 years younger, I'd go back and do a PhD (or at least Masters) in History after completing my PhD in Social Work.

So, yes yes, yesterday was the big day I wrote my Theory comprehensive exam. I tell you, the night before I felt like I was going to DIE. I went to the NYU library to study and download an article, conveniently so I could stop by Peculiar Pub to say hi to the DWNY peeps and grab a quick bite before more studying. When I kissed MD goodbye before leaving the bar, I felt like a soldier going off to war not knowing if I'd be making it home. Hand to heart, that's how I felt. When I told him and jigglykat what was expected on the exam, they blanched. Faces white and flat, eyes wide with fear by proxy. It was nice for at least one teeny tiny moment for someone else to understand the magnitude of what stood before me.

I whittled my notes down to author names and bullet points. I then tried to get my brain to associate the author names with the bullet points to trigger my memory. And then I tried to memorize just the names. I sat and rewrote the list from memory, to see what stuck and what didn't. I dragged the list into bed with me and looked at it a few more times before dozing off (with the help of St. Ambien). I had a dream about forgetting to write something on my exam and then getting into a car crash. I woke up before my alarm and looked over my notes again.

Well, something worked because when I sat down at the computer to write my exam I managed to pump out 20 pages. 20 pages - doubled-spaced - in 5 hours. ("Four pages an hour!" as my math wiz father later said). With one bathroom break and one break to down a second Red Bull and take some extra insulin (my sugars shot up at one point, no doubt due to stress). As my friend ME later said, it's likely I'll never be that productive again.

Starved and exhausted after handing in my answer, I toddled out of the building to a nearby cafe and inhaled a mozzarella sandwich in 4 bites after venting/debriefing for a few with MD. Then off I went to Hunter to meet with Mimi Abramovitz. She was really nice, despite the rumors I've heard about her being a narcissistic dragon lady. It could be she was having a good day. It probably didn't hurt that I told her I referenced her in my exam. Well, we talked about the course I'll be teaching this summer, and about why there were no Hunter doctoral students available to teach Policy (she said there are very few Hunter doctoral students interested in policy at the moment which is rather sad). Then she very kindly asked me a bit about my exam and affirmed that I sounded like I knew what I was talking about. I'm sure I came across as very young, very smart, and very sweet. And most importantly, very capable, because I would certainly like to a) get hired again; and b) get thought of well when I go looking for tenure track jobs down the line. Oh, but at the end of our banter I asked her if she was a Jane Austen fan and showed her my copy of "Pride and Prejudice and Zombies." Score one for pop culture with the baby boomer academic rock star. :o)

Afterward, I had this odd, uncomfortable mixed feeling of fatigue and adrenalin. I call it emotional inertia, kind of like when you're driving fast and the car stops and your body is still moving forward. Well, I wound up walking down Park Ave from 79th St. to 38th St. while manically talking with several of my friends and fellow students. It was great to debrief with the other students I'm friendly with who had also taken exams yesterday. We shared our study strategies, thoughts, feelings, and vented about how much we really hate the Comprehensive Exam process. I really see it as a hazing ritual. Some schools require papers demonstrating integration of concepts. Hunter apparently has a take-home exam!

But anyway, still experiencing that feeling of emotional and intellectual inertia, I headed down to Curly's (my favorite vegetarian restaurant) for dinner with the Jew Crew (TM). My friends nycD, ME and AJ all keep kosher, and relish the opportunity to eat at veggie places that serve things they don't normally get to eat out like nachos with fake chorizo and Cubanos. nycD treated for dinner, and then ME and AJ treated for dessert at Veniero's! ME and I shared a glass of chocolate port which really hit the spot with my pignoli tart. I really needed people around me to help "bring me back down" and they were the perfect group for it. ME has a PhD and AJ is working on his PhD, so they were painfully aware of the emotional/intellectual loop I was in. I'm so grateful to have them.

The oral defense for my exam is set for 5/20 at 9:30am. I will sit with a committee of three faculty members who will ask me questions about what I've written and decide if I pass or not. ME and I have a pact to go see Star Trek at the IMAX that evening. My friend TM (who also has her oral defense on 5/20 at 9:30am) and I have an earlier pact, however, to do some hardcore drinking after meeting with our respective committees. Yah, I don't even care if I'm finished before 11am. Somewhere there is a beer and a scotch with my name on it. Maybe a goldschlager if I'm feeling festive.

I won't get my results until June. It's after the oral that the mental torture truly begins. So, fingers crossed flist that I pass, and that I don't lose my mind waiting for my results. I tell you, this time last week I would *not* have been ready to answer the exam question. I know I can get all Hermione-like, but I really was genuinely ill prepared. Well, something must have stuck for me to be able to write as much as I did. Learning two HUGE grand theories on one's own in such a short time is quite a challenge. If I pass, I will have to check myself against developing too inflated an ego. Anyway, that's sure to be quashed once I get started on my dissertation.

So I think it must surely be evident from this LJ entry that yesterday was a long, full day and that my anxiety is still present but no longer at a lethal dose. I slept very poorly last night. My blood sugars were something of a roller coaster and my mind jumped from one thing to another looking for a willing emotional victim. But I'm still alive and I made it to work today.

There's no rest for the weary. I have exams and papers to grade from my own students (one them sent me an email to wish me luck!). And then I have to prep for the 10-week summer course I'm teaching. This Sunday is the AIDS-Walk NY and 5/31 MD and I are going to this thing with my family. He's also got big Buffyfest shenanigans afoot for 5/27, but I'll post some free publicity about that another time.

Thanks for all your encouragement and support, flist! It was both needed and appreciated.